Wish I Had A River
by m47e47l
Summary: Post The Indicator 2.5. Life can lead you on many different paths. What is it that makes the one you lead bearable? Syd and Vaughn deal, after Jack's revelations about Project Christmas. One shot.


**A/N: **Yes, another one parter- I've got a real thing for them lately. Once again I've taken another awesome episode (yes, I know, they're all awesome, but some are just a slight cut above the rest) which I would have liked to seen extended on our screens. I hope that I have done the characters justce and that you enjoy it.

**Summary: **Post The Indicator (2.5). Life can lead you on many different paths. What is it that makes the one you lead bearable? Syd and Vaughn deal, after Jack's revelations about Project Christmas. One shot.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Alias. The title of this fic comes from the song 'River' by Joni Mitchell.

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_Wish I Had A River_

_The car pulled to a stop in the pouring rain, and the window descended. "Sydney," Jack called out. "Get in!" She did not move, and so he got out of the car and approached her. "What is it?"_

_Sydney thought for a second. "I have this memory when I was six years old. My mother had just died in a car accident. I felt so scared. You were never home, so who was going to take care of me? Then I overheard you talking. You were in your study on the phone. You were talking about Christmas…about me. You were taking care of my Christmas presents. Suddenly, I-I felt so safe. You were taking care of me." Her expression crumpled. "That memory's a lie. You weren't talking about me at all."_

"_Sydney."_

"_I've seen the footage. Mum's briefing with her KGB handler. She was sent here for one specific purpose, to steal information from you about a project you were developing for the CIA. An operation to train children to be American spies. Project Christmas." She looked directly at him, her eyes a mixture of disgust and disappointment. "Ever since mum came back, you were afraid she'd figure out what you did to me. You weren't trying to protect me from her; you were trying to protect _your _secret. So the first opportunity you had, you set her up…in Madagascar."_

"_Sydney, understand something—"_

_"No dad," Sydney cut him off. "You understand something. You took away my choices in life. You programmed me to be a spy." Her eyes narrowed as she continued in a steady voice. "I will never forgive you for this."_

_With that, she turned and walked away.

* * *

_

Sydney went to the only person she could think of. After what had just transpired, he was the only option, the only one she could talk to. The only one who could possibly try to understand.

She knew that she must have looked a mess. Sobbing while standing in the rain would not do much for a person's appearance. But she did not care. She could not care about anything than what she had just discovered.

She stopped when she entered the Operations Centre and looked around. Vaughn was sitting at his desk, leaning back casually, as if he didn't have a care in the world. She felt as if she couldn't go over there. He didn't need to hear this. She couldn't put all of this upon him.

But at the moment, he glanced around, his eyes falling upon her. Taking in her dishevelled state, he stood and walked over, growing concern written all over his face.

Without a word, he wrapped her into his strong arms, making her feel completely safe as she broke into tears once again.

"Come on," he murmured into her ear. "Let's get out of here."

Sydney nodded, wiping furiously at her eyes. She walked beside Vaughn as he led them out to the underground car park and into his car. The underground facility kept them safe from the prying eyes of SD-6, and as did the tinted windows from their fellow CIA agents.

Inside the car, Vaughn did not initiate the conversation and instead waited until Sydney was ready to talk. For a few minutes the only sound between them was an occasional sniff from her direction.

"You were right," Sydney finally said, her voice hoarse.

Vaughn's heart sank. Jack. He wondered what had happened for her to realise the truth.

"He set her up," she whispered.

"Syd, I am sure that in his own twisted way, your dad saw this as a way to protect you."

Sydney shook her head vehemently. "No. It wasn't to protect me. It was to protect him. Because she knew what he did."

Vaughn's brow furrowed slightly. "What did he do?"

Sydney looked directly at him; her eyes still shining with unshed tears. "Project Christmas," she broke off, feeling her throat constrict. She hated her father for making her feel like this. Nobody should ever cause emotions like this in another human being. It was unforgivable.

Vaughn reached across, placing a hand on hers. "Sydney, what is Project Christmas?"

"The KGB didn't develop the program to train children as spies, the CIA did…my father did…and he tested it on me," Sydney replied, her voice barely a whisper. "When I was six years old he subjected me to a CIA experiment. And my mother figured that out. That's why he set her up."

Vaughn felt a deep ache course through him. Not for himself, but for Sydney. Just how much was she expected to deal with in her lifetime?

"What sort of a person does that? What sort of a person does that to his own daughter?"

"I don't know." Vaughn replied, sombrely. What else was there that he could say?

"I've lost so much to this spy trade. My mother, my father to a point, Danny, my freedom and safety, and now my choices. Who is to say that I would have ended up at SD-6 if my father…if my father…" she shook her head, a hand covering her mouth. She literally felt sick. "I've been programmed," she muttered. "Treated as if I were some kind of machine."

"What are you going to do? Are you going to turn him for rigging the explosives?"

"I've got no idea," Sydney replied, raking her hands through her damp hair. The first thing she was going to do when she got home was run a steaming hot bath. "Why should I have to make a decision? How dare he put me in this position. Turn my father in for setting up my mother who was in prison to start with? This is insane." She looked at Vaughn. "If only this crazy spy world didn't exist. If only spies were a figment of everybody's imagination."

"What? Like James Bond?" Vaughn put in, hoping to illicit a smile from Sydney, and he succeeded a little.

"Think about this. If our parents were never spies. If they were the average people that they made themselves appear to be, everything would be different. It would be better. My mother never would have…well, you would still have your dad. My father would not have been destroyed by my mother's betrayal. And I would never have been seduced into a world of terrorism by Arvin Sloane. I'd be living a normal life."

Vaughn pondered what Sydney was saying. "True," he agreed. "But," he started light-heartedly, "on the other hand, you would have never met Dixon, Marshall…or me."

A small smile broke out on Sydney's face. It was the one of the good things that had came out of being recruited to SD-6, the friendships that she had formed. But even still…"Yes, we would have never met, but your dad would still be alive. And I think we both know which path you'd rather have your life go down."

Vaughn didn't respond and the two of them fell into a pensive silence.

* * *

"I should go," Sydney said about half an hour later and Vaughn nodded. "You should probably stay here for a bit." 

"Ok," he agreed. "I'll speak to you soon."

"Yeah…oh, and Vaughn?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

Vaughn gave her a warm smile. "You're welcome."

A few minutes later she was gone, leaving Vaughn alone with his thoughts. The conversation they'd had before was running on a loop in his mind, over and over again.

What was it that Sydney had said? About which path he'd rather his life to go down.

How many times had he wished desperately for his father to just walk through the front door as if nothing had happened? Too many to count. And when he's seen his friend at school with their dad's he'd experienced a jealousy so intense…a jealousy similar to when Sydney told him about Noah, or when he saw her with Will. The men who could be seen with her in public.

"Oh god," he muttered, rubbing his eyes. Was it totally awful of him to be thinking this way? That, if he had the choice, he would seriously be considering the life he was leading now. A life without his dad.

Nothing had even happened between he and Sydney…and of course, now there was Alice again. How could he even possibly consider choosing a potential life with a woman over a definite one with his dad?

Granted, Sydney was not just any woman. She was so strong, even when she was at her most vulnerable. She was so beautiful, even with mascara running down her cheeks, puffy eyes and stringy damp hair. She was intelligent, funny, empathetic…he could list her good qualities all night.

But then, he could do the same with his father. Loving, fiercely loyal, protective…was it even possible to make a choice between two of the most important people in his life?

'_Stop it_," he thought suddenly. '_You aren't meant to choose between them_.' Life was life after all. Everything, no matter how heinous, happened for a reason. His father being taken from him so early, his decision to follow in his footsteps…and his eventual meeting with Sydney.

Which path would he prefer? He honestly could not say. Was there even an answer to that question? His life had ended up a certain way and he could do nothing to change that.

And he was ok with that, Vaughn realised as he climbed out of the car. Because, no matter how dark it got in some parts, there were those bright spots that made up for it. That made it worth living.

He'd continue on this path for as long as it lasted.


End file.
